So Grace...

It's been seven years of walking with the Lord. Granted not all of them have been in complete and total abandon to His will but...we're getting there. One thing I have found that I'm struggling with more lately is this grace business. I thought I got it but it seems like I need constant refresher courses. These don't come any easier than when I've messed "big time." You know that nasty sinful habit that has been the fight of your life, pre and post JC time. Just when you think you've finally beat it, it rears it's ugly head yet again, and it seems like you've been set back at least a few years coz of it.

I have found that it is easy to accept with desperation the grace and forgiveness of God then. Faced with my own utter wretchedness, I see how much I need the Lord Jesus in my life...to set me free indeed, to put things right. My prayers are clingy, pleas for mercy...that I receive gratefully. But when it comes to the daily things of life; attitudes of the heart really, trusting that this grace is enough becomes almost abstract.

A few friends of mine have pointed out how I keep using the phrase, "I need to be more...[fill in; loving, caring, attentive etc]" or, "I need to stop...yelling at the kids or being short with my family or..etc. I didn't even realize how bad it was until recently when a friend said that I'm too hard on myself, to which I replied, "yeah..." and in thought, "...I need to work on that coz it makes me hard on other people too." It's like I'm my own little project of transformation. But am not, am I? Am the Lord's, and it is through His Holy Spirit that any fundamental change will occur. And if you really think about it; am not that hard on myself either. Otherwise, my flesh wouldn't be winning as many battles as it does...

So Grace; not by my might, nor by my work or effort but by God's Spirit. It's how I got saved, it's how I get sanctified daily. Now I know that I have the part of obedience to play in this whole thing...and that requires action on my part, but...am done carrying this load/list of to-dos for true spiritual maturity. What if I let go, stopped putting so much stoke into my own actions and efforts? Jesus did say His yoke was easy and His burden light. Maybe it's time I found out what that's truly like.

Crushing through the single years

What is it with a crush?!!! I see the guy and it's like I'm 14 again...with no clue how to act "normal" around him. Except, am not 14 and haven't been since 10years ago, and now all these feelings could lead somewhere... WHERE?? Coz when I think about it logically, I don't want to date or be part of a couple with anyone right now. Whether that's because I'm still in recovery over the last foul up is not the point. It's just, my heart's not in it right now. So why the obsessive daydreaming, and "research" and all that? Why can't I just ignore it?!!! And then it hit me.

I like this...the feeling of being mindful of someone else. The thrill of the possibilities of this guy who is really at this point just a figment of my imagination-save for the physical reality of him, of course. Does he like me? Does he not? Is he seeing someone? Call me already!!! But, don't. Arrggghhh!!! It's either say hi and then worry that you had "crush on you" pasted on your forehead or pretend you haven't seen him and regret that you didn't utilize the opp...LORD HELP ME. Don't encourage it. Give it a few days, and it'll be all gone.

You know those sweet chick flicks where the nice girl always gets the guy? Sometimes, it's like I'm the star of my own that-type flick. Still walking around, stumbling through, crushing every which way. Maybe I think too much about romance. Maybe I need to focus more on what God has called me to right now. Either way, I am so glad that I can still run to Him with all this sillyness that is part of life, and we can work it out together. Jesus gets it like no one else. He calms my tumultous emotions, keeps me off of a pointless cloud 9 and sets my feet on firm solid ground. Just what I need.:-D